Tears rise to the surface today as I reflect on the life of a friend, gone at age 47…too soon for her sweet and gentle soul. Certainly, too soon for her parents, husband and three beautiful kiddos. Vanessa was one of my best high-school friends. She was a year older than I, but immediately took me under her wing. We were alike in so many ways, like sisters, and spent much time together as gymnasts, cheerleaders, and friends.

As I reflect on the time spent together, I remember her quiet leadership, supportive presence, and wonderful sense of humor.

We both went on to college, marriage, and had children, and did not reconnect. Why? As often happens, life gets busy. Spouses, children and career become the focus for women like us. Though this is not wrong, it is important to realize that friendships, the good ones, should not be forgotten or set aside. My tears today are not just for a lovely life gone, but for the regret. The remorse of not reaching out to my friend to connect before it was too late.

I imagine V and I would have reconnected as if no time was lost between us, sharing stories of love, loss, and motherhood. Our eldest daughters, both in college now, may have been friends. I would have been there for her as she endured illness and hugged her one last time. Instead, I am saying farewell to an angel, with a promise that she will live in my heart forever.

To my readers, do not take advantage of time, as you never know how much is left. Reach out to those you love and cherish the present. Friendship is one of the most blessed gifts we have in this life.

“You’ll never be forgotten, that simply cannot be. As long as I am living, I’ll carry you with me. Safely tucked within my heart your light will always shine; a glowing ember never stilled, throughout the end of time. No matter what the future brings, or what may lie ahead, I know that you will walk with me along the path I tread. So, rest my angel, be at peace and let your soul fly free. One day I’ll join your glorious flight for all eternity.”

– Unknown

As a mom, it’s natural to feel guilt and worry when raising our children. Do they know they are loved? Am I spending enough time with them? Am I teaching them the life skills they need to be successful and happy? What isn’t natural is feeling guilty because of the husband you chose to be their father.

I met my ex-husband as a young college student, naïve to addiction and manipulation. He was charming, handsome and intelligent. I fell for him quickly and we were married within the year. Our 8-year marriage, which seems like a lifetime ago, produced my two remarkable children. And though leaving the abusive marriage with their father was the right choice, I was not fully prepared for the magnitude of addiction and abuse that would follow my children for the rest of their lives.   

When my children were small, I sheltered them from my negative experiences and thoughts about their father, while passionately preparing them to “say no” to drugs, alcohol and peer pressure. To my despair, my kiddos stayed in this bliss of naivety for only a short while. Though time spent with their father was limited, it was impactful in ways no child can forget. What does this look like? Berated because you aren’t eating your supper fast enough. Doing your after-school homework at the local bar. Fear of his rollercoaster mood swings. Having to get in a car with an unsafe driver because you are too young and afraid to say no.

This is just a glimpse. The abuse they have faced created flash-bulb moments that may be triggered by a place, a song, or a conversation. Both of my children have a score of 8 out of 10 on the ACES survey. ACES is a clinical test measuring childhood trauma.  

So, how does a child maneuver a world in which their lives are on a 180-degree seesaw? At one end, learning first hand about verbal and emotional abuse, abandonment, and tyranny. On the other, a nurturing, loving and supportive environment (albeit over-compensating for the abuse).  As a mom of now adult kiddos, I still have many questions about how to support them, knowing that the abuse and control doesn’t stop once they leave the nest. After all, the nature of an abuser does not disengage once a child reaches adulthood. I will always feel guilt for choosing this person to be their father, while never regretting bringing them into the world. I can only imagine the turmoil they feel in their hearts and minds, loving and hating a parent synchronously. I admit feeling a hint of relief when a friend says, “Your children are so well adjusted,” or “they are so kind and level-headed.” However, when I hear a person say, “your children have a charmed life,” or “they are so lucky,” I can’t help but think of the hidden pain and abuse they have survived, and will continue to endure.

So how do I continue to support my adult children through the realms of abuse that are outside of my control? This is something I think about daily and I hope may help other parents facing these same challenges.

• Be their “rock” – my kids know they can come to me with anything and that I will listen and lift them up. Their heart is always safe with me.
• Encourage them to learn about and talk about their abuse. The only way to face abuse and emerge from victimhood is with truth, and with this truth comes healing.
• Help them to know their value. They deserve love and respect in every relationship. Promote the healthy relationships in their life.
• Empower them to talk to a professional who has expertise in abuse and addiction.
• Pray – I pray every day for their health, happiness and wisdom. Especially for the things that are not within their control.

“We have a serious problem with how we think and talk about child abuse. Many people seem to think that child abuse ends when the abused child becomes an adult. But if we talked to adult survivors of child abuse, the abuse they survived in childhood was their parents’ way of laying the groundwork so that they could continue tormenting and manipulating their children for the rest of their lives.” – Lynn Beisner

I began my first management job at the age of twenty-five as the General Manager of a waning boutique hotel. I was younger than 95% of the 40 employees under my supervision and I was petrified. Not only was I responsible for creating and implementing a strategy to turn a profit, I was responsible for the livelihood of this workforce, some of which had worked at the property for thirty-plus years. To say that I was doubtful in my aptitudes and experience to prosper was an understatement.

Twenty years and several management jobs later, I have had the experience of my mistakes and successes. There is at least one thing I did right during my time at that now thriving hotel. My attitude and actions exhibited to my employees that it was I, who worked for them. My first week, and consistently after, I met with each staff member to learn from them, find out their challenges, talk about their needs, and show them that I truly cared. I worked alongside the housekeeping staff, took shifts with the hospitality team, and listened intently to the wealth of knowledge offered to me by the long-time maintenance manager. It was these acts that earned the respect of the team, not initially given to a young and unexperienced leader.

Don’t get me wrong, I have made plenty of mistakes managing people over the last 20 years. The key to maximizing on those? Admitting when you are wrong, and learning from the blunders and from the achievements. Below are a few tips I can share with you.

• Your employees need to know that you have their back and that you care about their development. It is your job to learn their unique strengths and aspirations, to guide them in a positive direction.
• Employees are individuals. Find out what is needed to make each of them feel appreciated. This may be one-on-one chats, a personal thank-you note, or more flexibility in their work scope and schedule.
• Check in regularly and be sincere. Keep the lines of communication open and transparent. Ensure you are balanced with both positive affirmation and developmental feedback.
• Be vulnerable. As an employee, I have encountered many stoic managers, but it is those who can be vulnerable that I have the most respect for. These leaders are not afraid to expose their weaknesses, nor change for the betterment of their staff and company. Showing vulnerability can be a strength in your leadership style.

Lastly, ask your employees how you can help them. “How can I be a better manager for you?” You may be surprised at their response, and they will appreciate your willingness to grow and learn as a manager. When your work environment has this type of positive work practices, it will impact the climate of your team and improve work engagement and performance.

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Martin Heidegger, German philosopher, describes boredom using the example of waiting for a train in a provincial station. We begin to feel uneasy and will desperately search for any distraction. We constantly think of the things we could be occupying ourselves with. It seems like we are wasting time, standing in the train station, doing nothing.

Why do we run from boredom? Being bored has developed a negative aura representing the humdrum of our lives, dissatisfaction, dullness, or uninterest.

But what if we are not wasting our time standing in the train station, doing nothing? Boredom is a gift, an opportunity to turn inward to our thoughts and reflect. In her speech, The Value of Boredom, Genevieve Bell talks about the importance of bringing boredom back into our lives and that [it] is “an opportunity for our brain and consciousness to reset itself.”

I rarely go anywhere without my cell phone attached to my hip. When I am home, my iPad and laptop are never far away. All these hi-tech devices seek my attention at all hours of the day. According to a 2020 survey, the average American has access to more than ten connected devices in their household. Fortunately, there are plenty of benefits to trading overload for boredom.

• Boredom can improve mental health by allowing your brain to relax and reset, alleviating stress.
• Boredom increases creativity by encouraging our minds to wander and reflect. This is where brilliance lies, by permitting ourselves the ability to discover new and useful ideas.
• Sitting with boredom and even seeking it out gives us the ability to develop self-control. Through enduring the humdrum, we learn to regulate our thoughts, emotions and actions.
• Humans are built to be unsatisfied with the status quo. Being bored, motivates our search for new interests, adventures, and goals.

So, when you are waiting at the provincial train station, resist the escape of boredom. Perhaps create a space in your home, or make time at your favorite coffee shop to allow your brain to rest, reset, and create room for brilliance.

References

 5 Benefits of Boredom | Psychology Today; Genevieve Bell, The Value of Boredom, Ted Talk ; Martin Heidegger, German philosopher; Consumer Electronics – U.S. 2020 | Statista

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with a friend or colleague and your mind has meandered to another place? You quickly snap out of it. Or maybe you don’t, until you realize your friend is waiting for a response, or at least an acknowledgement that you were listening. Or do you walk away after meeting a new individual and realize you’ve already forgotten their name?

For most, the art of paying attention is a learned skill that is refined only through practice. It closely aligns with being present in your moment. This can be difficult for people who enjoy and succeed at multi-tasking on a daily basis. This was me, in every sense of the term…a multi-tasking super mom and employee. What I found is, though efficient and productive, perhaps I wasn’t giving my best self to each task or person I encountered. Paying attention takes discipline and builds willpower. It will bring you freedom from the internal dialogue and noise in your brain.

So, practice being mindful. Put down your phone (after you finish reading this blog of course). Turn off the distractions in your mind and in your physical space. Be present in YOUR moment. What you will find is an enriched sense of self and significant life connections.

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“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”

Simone Weil, French philosopher and activist

It’s Saturday morning and a perfect autumn day. As I write my first blog, I am settled by my fireplace with a hot cup of joe and my favorite throw. It occurs to me that, though this blog is new, I have spent my life writing my innermost thoughts. As a young girl, recording dreams in my diary. As a college student, journaling experiences of joy and sorrow. As the wife of an addict, venting with pen and paper because it was the only safe space. As the mother of two babies, lettering my adoration and amazement of their beauty.

And now, as the mother of two young adults, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and an independent-minded woman, writing still offers me a sense of peace. Though now, writing is new again, and it is here for the world to see. For many, placing their thoughts out to the world can be scary. However, I have found strength in transparency and vulnerability. My perspective is new, renewed and ever-evolving through moments experienced in this “normal” life of mine.